The Seat from Hell

I walked into the Surprise Stadium for an afternoon of baseball with my beloved Texas Rangers but soon found my seat was in Hell. I didn't realize Hell was a part of baseball, but then I remembered Roger Clemens' remarks before Congress a few days ago. His seat was in Hell, too.

I ordered my package of tickets online and had a fuzzy idea about my seat location. But I was soon disappointed. I found myself sitting next to Lucifer and his partner, Old Cranky Man. My tickets were inprinted with "Section 105, Row V, Seat 3." When I saw the seat, I almost cried. Lucifer and Old Cranky Man were on my right eating hotdogs in seats 1 and 2. On my left, of course, was the brick wall that stretched 20 feet into the air providing support for the floor above.

Was I destined to watch the Texas Rangers from a seat between a brick wall and two of Hell's biggest baseball fans?

I suppose I should explain the reason for referring to the two older gentlemen as Lucifer and Old Cranky Man. When I first pointed out my seat to them, they both looked at me with a "You can go to hell" expression on their faces. They were not Rangers fans, but were from Kansas City. They loved the Royals. Kansas City is Hell, so you can understand my monikers for these men.

But all was not hopeless. I met Kendra in the Box Office (Heaven) and she happily exchanged my tickets and found me better seats. Kendra saved me from the depths of Hell and showed me the Light. My new seats are located five rows back of the Rangers dugout, on the aisle.

Hallelujah.